It’s no secret that the prostate is a serious erogenous zone for men, whether or not they’ve fully explored it themselves. But just because you’ve heard of it doesn’t mean you know exactly where it is, how to find it, or, most important, how to stimulate it most effectively to take his pleasure to the next level and, in turn, make sex even better for both of you.

This sensitive, walnut-size gland is located within the body, behind the penis, and it contains tons of nerve endings, making it a perfect target for pleasure. That’s why some people refer to it as the “male G-spot” and still others as the “male P-spot.” In fact, some men are able to orgasm from prostate stimulation alone, although it is rare. It is most easily stimulated through the rectum and responds well to very gentle touch, whether from lubed-up fingers or from toys designed to be prostate massagers.

Since it can be more than a little intimidating to just casually dive right into butt play without having a game plan, there are a few things you should know about how to approach male G-spot stimulation as well as some solid and useful background on exactly what this gland is. Thankfully, Fran Walfish, PsyD, a Beverly Hills–based family and relationship psychotherapist, and Lelo sexpert Laurie Mintz, PhD, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—and How to Get It, are here to explain everything you could possibly need to know about the prostate.

1. USE THE “COME HITHER” MOTION WITH YOUR FINGERS TO FIND IT.

Yep, this works on men, similarly to how you locate the female G-spot! Mintz says that once your finger is about two inches in, press it forward against the wall of his perineum and try a “come here” motion with your fingers. Mintz adds: “You can also try moving your fingers in circles around the prostate or move your finger slowly back and forth, side to side.”

2. IT FEELS LIKE A WALNUT.

You’ll know you’ve found it when your finger pads reach something that feels like a walnut. Keep communication open, as your partner should also be able to tell you that they feel increased sensitivity when you touch it.

3. YOU MAY HEAR PEOPLE TALK ABOUT “MILKING” THE PROSTATE.

Giving a prostate massage for stimulation is sometimes referred to as “milking,” not because anything comes out but because you’re manipulating it with your hand, similar to how you’d manipulate the udder of a cow during the milking process.

4. IT’S OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE MALE G-SPOT.

Regardless of the fact that the existence of the female G-spot is still up for debate (researchers believe it’s actually just an extension of the clitoris), it’s still pretty impressive that the prostate has the same connotations as a one-stop-shop button for instantaneous orgasm. Walfish explains that the prostate contains many sensitive nerve endings that can provide a powerful orgasm. Mintz explains that in the book that popularized the female G-spot, the authors compared the clitoris to the penis and the G-spot to the prostate.

5. IT’S NOT AS FAR IN AS YOU’D THINK.

The prostate is about three-quarters of a finger length inside the anus, Walfish explains, and feels similar to a walnut.

6. COMMUNICATION IS KEY.

“Even if you’ve agreed to try anal sex, don’t just assume it’s going to happen this time,” Walfish says. “Request permission to board!” Active consent is not only sexy but also nonnegotiable.

7. PREP TOGETHER.

It’s understandable that butt play might get messy, but if you want to cut down on that anxiety, Walfish says to try showering or bathing together with your partner, taking time to wash and lather each other’s genitals and anus. Not only is it super hot, but you can rest easy knowing you’ve both gotten clean in a nonjudgmental fashion.

8. EASE INTO IT.

As with all sex, you don’t want it to feel too clinical. Walfish suggests easing into it, using a finger to gently massage the area at the opening of their anus or letting your tongue slide over the area while giving him oral sex. You can also use your hands to stroke it with your thumb while moving your fingers around the shaft.

9. YOU CAN STIMULATE IT INDIRECTLY TOO!

As a good warm-up for direct prostate stimulation (or on its own), Mintz suggests using two fingers to massage his perineum (area between his scrotum and anus) from the outside as he reaches climax.

10. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF LUBE.

Think about how painful it is to be (sorry) dry-fingered. While your vagina self-lubricates, your anus doesn’t. So lube is extra important with any butt play. You’ll want to wet both his anus and your fingers.

11. PRACTICE THE GOLDEN RULE OF FINGERING.

Finger unto others as you would have them do unto you. This means cut and file your fingernails (no jagged edges fresh from the clippers!), wash your hands, and don’t jackhammer your fingers in and out—once you’re up there, you’re up there. It’s not about going in and out but more about massaging the gland once you’re in there (more on that later).

12. RELAXATION IS EVERYTHING.

After massaging his perineum, spend several minutes massaging the outside of his anal opening. Mintz says that if you’ve been doing everything correctly, the sphincter should relax and open up. “Don’t insert farther than he is comfortable. If your finger meets resistance, stop there. You can call it a day and try again another time.”

13. AVOID SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.

When you’re finished, pull your fingers out slowly. Sudden movements are not great with butt play, since the area can be sensitive. Nobody likes surprises!

14. TRY USING VIBRATORS TO STIMULATE HIS PERINEUM AND OR PROSTATE.

Look for a vibrator that’s curved to hit the male prostate. There’s no pressure to use it inside his butt the first go-around (just like with your sex toys, sometimes using it externally is all you really need), but if you want the most bang for your buck, you may as well invest in something that’s capable of that if you want to explore that down the line. The Lelo Loki features a bulbous tip perfect for prostate play, is rechargeable and waterproof, and has six different settings.

15. YOU CAN ALSO TRY STIMULATING HIS PROSTATE AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS PENIS.

No need to sign yourself up for penis and prostate stimulation right from the get-go—you’ll probably both need to concentrate on the task at hand. But once you’ve gotten comfortable with it, you can try adding other elements like oral sex, hand jobs, breast sex, and intercourse.

16. SEE IF HE LIKES IT BETTER WHEN HE’S FACING UP OR WHEN HE’S FACING DOWN.

Mintz says some men like it better one way or the other. Try it out both ways and compare notes! Is there one position that makes it more or less comfortable? Is there one movement you do that feels best? Communication makes everything better.

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