The first time I heard about rimming, my older and much funner mate was telling me how her boyfriend went from eating her out to eating her ass and she was so surprised, she farted into his open mouth. This kind of story sounds like the biggest joke ever when you are a pre-rimmee (i.e. a person who has never rimmed or been rimmed) but elicits more of a shrug, laugh and a nod of the head when you’re a well-seasoned asshole connoisseur.

Take it as the number one rule of rimming: expect the unexpected. That’s not to say you’re going to end up with shit on your face, it’s that occasionally… shit happens. Unless, of course, you come prepared to the bussy brunch. Which is why I’m writing a whole-ass guide for eating a whole lot of ass – to make sure when you are eye to eye with your lover’s butthole, you both know what to do.

MAKE SURE YOU/THEY ARE CLEAN

How to douche is a whole different article. For now, I recommend watching Sex Education series two, episode six. Or to surmise what Rahim says in the show: Squat, squirt, hold and release. If you are getting rimmed and know far enough in advance to prepare, douching is always the answer. If you don’t have time to fully flush out your asshole, take a moment in the bathroom to make sure you’re washed and wiped the best you can. Unless you’re both into scat, having any logs in the tunnel is the opposite of what you want.

This isn’t just a preference – being unclean between your buns can also lead to bad health. Sex therapist and BARE dating app cofounder Gillian Myhill warns: “It’s worth noting that there are digestive bacteria that can be found in the anus as well as bugs like E. coli and salmonella which can make you sick, so: CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. And if you are rimming any pussy owners? Make sure that you avoid spreading anything into the vaginal canal as this can potentially cause infection.”

MAKE SURE YOU/THEY ARE CLEAN

As well as considering the physical cleanliness of the ass you’re eating or your own chocolate starfish, knowing someone’s sexual health is just as important as any other kind of penetration. "STIs can be transmitted through this activity, the same as oral with a penis or a pussy," confirms Myhill. "These include herpes, warts, gonorrhoea, syphilis, hep A and B." Be safe and don’t say you weren’t warned – asking someone if they’re clear of the above is less dangerous than contracting an STD. If you’re avoiding asking for any reason, it’s worth noting that dental dams are just as effective contraception for eating ass as they are pussy.

GET IN POSITION

Similar to how missionary is the staple of p-in-v sex, so feels doggy style to rim jobs. It’s comfortable, you get a good view of what you’re up to and plenty of space to touch elsewhere. That said, Michael*, a 29-year-old Scouser, fully recommends getting down and dirty on your settee. “Comfort is paramount,” he confirms, “My favourite is to have them sitting on the couch, me kneeling down on the floor in front of them and for their feet/legs to be resting on/over my shoulders so I can get my face right in. That’s also a really good position for if I fancy a break and want to pop a bollock in my mouth and have a little chew, like those intervals they used to have at the cinema where you could go and get ice cream in the middle of a film.”

Everyone’s different and while Michael’s favourite rimming position might not be your best one, be sure to flip your partner every which way before working out which is the best spot for getting your asshole licked. Remember that Girls episode where Marnie is getting her ass ate in the kitchen and the internet couldn’t handle it? It goes to show there’s room for rimming in every room of your house and every position under the sun.

GET IN THERE

When you’re getting down and dirty with someone’s backdoor, you need to leave all your reservations behind. It can’t just be half-arsed (get it); a lazy rim can be worse than no rim at all. “I really like to dine out and get in there, to the point that my nose is probably gonna be scraping their ribcage,” Michael enthuses.

For those less enthusiastic about the idea, Myhill stands firm on her ground that slow and steady wins the race. Just remember to experiment: “There are many techniques used, from circling around the outside of the anus to pushing your tongue between the folds, try it all out and see how everything feels.”

RELAX

For myself and most ladies that I know, feeling tense is far from conducive to an orgasm. If you’re straining to keep your butthole closed or stressing about any chance of trumping, you probably won’t get to feel the benefits of butt munching. Whichever end of the tunnel you’re on, make sure you try and keep as zen as you can with your asshole in someone’s face or an arse in your face.

“Talk to your partner – go slowly. If this is something new for both of you then it’s likely you will both be as nervous as each other,” encourages Myhill. “Try and make your partner feel secure, confident and sexy.” For this, I fully recommend dousing the situation in consent-littered dirty talk. “Do I taste good?” is a personal fav.

Similarly, Michael recommends embracing the intimacy of the act with physical contact outside of the tongue circling your hole. “Holding hands throughout is about one of the hottest things I can think of. The first time I did this with a guy, it opened up an intimacy and a closeness that you can get from doing it that I’d never really experienced or considered before.”

Congrats! Now you know how to rim someone – now tuck into that juicy peach like you’re gasping for air through the other person’s asshole.

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