If you’re worried your partner is faking orgasms, the only real remedy you have is to ask. There is no way to know for sure if someone is faking an orgasm. Even if he was, even if there was some sort of device you could use covertly to distinguish real from fake, what would you then do with the information? You’d have to talk about it eventually.

Before you talk with your partner, there may be some things worth thinking about on your own. One thing I wonder about is what is it specifically about the idea of your partner faking an orgasm that is worrying you:

  • Are you worried that you aren’t pleasing your partner?
  • Do you feel like the faking constitutes a lie? A betrayal?
  • Does sex feel different for you when you think about your partner faking it?
  • Have you ever faked an orgasm, and if yes, have you ever admitted it?

I ask these questions because instead of going to your partner with an accusation and a demand that he “tell you the truth,” it might be more productive to begin by talking about your feelings about the sex your having and how you feel when you imagine him faking orgasms (whether or not he is).

For many of us, the experience of orgasm is deeply personal and private. While it might seem counterintuitive, we may not want to share every aspect of how orgasms feel even with the people we’re having them with. Having an orgasm with someone may be the extent of the sharing that feels safe or required. So while I believe you have a right to ask your partner anything, you also need to respect his right not to answer.